Earlier this month I had the opportunity to visit Philadelphia for their 14th Gay and Lesbian Film Festival courtesy of our friends at TLA.

The C1R Triple Threat

In addition to some quality time with the Boss Lady and Blake Riley I got to hang with some Channel 1 VIPs that we do not get to see very often. There were many highlights during the weekend in the city of Brotherly Love, but there were three in particular that I would love to share with you.

Stoia

First, a while back I was sent an e mail from a young girl titled “Ode to Johnny.” Her name is Stoia, she works for Digital Playground and she’s gorgeous. It was most complimentary and flattering. Well lo and behold she is from Philly and TLA took this opportunity not to only have us meet but create a mini movie to document the entire ordeal from her writing the ode to our long awaited meeting. The movie was shot in black and white with a fifties motif. In the final scene we sharing a milkshake in front of a vintage soda shop; it was the best milkshake EVER!

Blake and me off the grid.

C1R Mastermind
Rob Novinger

Saturday evening we had the chance to schmooze and booze at a club called Pure. This was the chance for us all to hang out and be ourselves with no cameras, pens or other obligatory what have you. We were Free to Be. Early in the evening Chi Chi was scheduled to speak at an event that coincided with the Film Festival, but was geared more to, well, porn. As the limo pulled up to the theatre the first voice I heard was that of our lovely Hazzard Ahead contributor and my biggest fan on the East coast, RitaPHL! She was bright-eyed and looking very sharp with her new do! She later informed me that it had been two years to the day since we met in Bean Town when she and her husband Jim were on holiday being served by yours truly at Aquitaine. It was wonderful to see her.

Our editor at Channel 1 created a video montage of Chi Chi, Blake and me that was played before she went on and it was sooooo amazing. I asked them for a copy and I’m hoping to have it soon to feature here - I promise! After Chi Chi’s talk we opened the floor up to Q&A. My number one fan raised her hand and asked if I could sign her B-Rude original T shirt. It features my mug and pecs splattered on the front with “Blow my Speakers” as the caption. I gladly signed the shirt and was amazed that she was able to snag one. After Rita walked away Chi Chi turned green with envy that Rita was able to get her hands on one. At the end we were passing out our latest picture book “Smut” and I made sure my girl got one! Enjoy it Rita! And thank you so much for all the effort you went through to get there!

Rita’s new signed B-Rude shirt.

Before our night out I managed to bug everyone with my digital video camera. Since there is some mild nudity and some appearances by folks that would rather not be featured I am including just a small piece here. The full version will be on Hazzard Central in a few days time. Enjoy!

I love traveling to the East Coast (especially on someone else’s dime) thanks Eric and thanks Philly!.

Last Saturday I went to Morgantown, WV to perform at the Military Ball in a club called Vice Versa. What a cute name for a bar! This was my second visit to the venue. The first time was four years back when I was a wee porn pup. I was pleasantly surprised with the atmosphere. The crowd was so young that I was a little alarmed at first, but I found that the crowd was completely unaffected by the gay bar scene and were just there to have fun and have fun they did!! I loved their energy and their disinterest in posing, having an attitude or wearing their sunglasses indoors. It was a most agreeable change of pace for me.

Two of the resident drag queens went on before me. Jezebel and Seduca, two of the Midwest’s finest, and let me tell you those girls could move. Jezzie did a cover of Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary” and from that I could see why she was in demand. Fiery Seduca tore it up with “Toy Soldier” moving those feet in an effortless swing that made me smile and cheer. I always seem to like the girls that can really dance as well as lip sync a tune and those two did not disappoint.

These two cuties gave me my first real lemon drop shot.

and this “shy” young lady wanted me to sign her tits.

Next destination….Las Vegas - with a surprise guest!

Tampa was cool, really cool. It was one of those gigs that had no expectations. My only requirement was to have fun and that was not a problem. Hanging with my cousin was the highlight without question. He was more into my gig than I was. This was work after all, well sort of, and to him, well I don’t know what it was, but he had an absolute blast. Seeing him so excited about what I do and hearing from him that he tells his friends about me made me feel really good. I think he may even return to G Bar on his own and he even mentioned that he would like to work there. I don’t know if he remembers that, but if he did he would do quite well; he is quite the looker.

Unfortunately this time around you will not be able to see him. I was not about to drag my expensive camera along to this gig. That was a mistake. Not only was I bummed that I could not get a picture of us or the club or the night or, well, let me backtrack a bit.

About a year ago it came to my attention that someone named Vince was sporting a Hazzard emblem tattoo on his opposite shoulder. I did not know whether we had the same artist (which would have really pissed me off) or he purposefully chose to have my tattoo as his own. Either way you sliced the pie the filling was still spoiled. So pan over to the bar Saturday night and I am well into my buzz with my cousin and his buddy when this dude stops up and says hello. He was handsome and looked harmless so I returned the salutation. With that he lifted his shirt and there was my emblem. I was completely dumbfounded. I also noticed that all my ill feelings toward him had left or maybe I was buzzed well enough that nothing was getting me down. After chatting with him for a bit and seeing how excited he was to see me (and finding out that he drove an hour just to see me) there was no way I could harbor any negativity towards the guy. Besides that he was HOT - really HOT! And we all know that always helps any situation. He was so hot that I kissed him, three times. At least now I know that the man can tongue wrestle really well.

Imitation is really the best form of flattery. It was most enjoyable to meet him and it felt nice to be emulated in that way. I suppose though if he had not been the super sweet man he was and was some rabbit cooker with intentions other than to meet and make out with me than I would have had to call security. But he wasn’t. On stage when I was doing my number I was really “feeling it” and I made out with this ADORABLE girl on stage after she gave me a 5 in my crotch. Then Vince came up with nothing but a smile and that was OK. He got a kiss too - a big one!

That probably wasn’t a good choice because that sent a message to the crowd that Johnny would kiss for a dollar. And let me tell you, that is NOT the case! The crowd surged forward waving dollars back and forth with their tongues wagging about. I was instantly taken back to “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi” when Princess Leia strangled Jabba the Hut and that brown pasty tongue of his popped out of his mouth all covered with spit and whatnot. I was not feeling it so much then and was looking for a way out. I contemplated feigning a seizure just to escape the salivating men that were collecting in front of the stage. Luckily the manager sensed my troubles and announced that I would be in the back signing autographs. I thought I would be safe back there away from horny masses. I should have known better.

In the back of the room the guys who weren’t in the front of the stage had a chance to ask me for a kiss directly with no barrier and no Vince or cute girl. I really could not believe that they thought this was acceptable. I gave a couple of guys a peck on the cheek, much to their chagrin, but it was better than my usual “No, I will not give you a kiss.” That was a good lesson to learn, reserve the self-indulging behavior for before and after the stage show. It was fun though. My hangover was not. I drank a lot of water all night but it wasn’t enough to curb the headache from dehydration and the shots of peach Jaggermeister that were freely dispensed to Joe and me.

Of course the flight from Tampa to Atlanta was THE WORST. I was in the middle of two large men that were spilling over their seats. One was so big that the armrest was hurting him so he lifted it, thus pouring his slack into my lap and onto my shoulder. I prayed to God that we didn’t have to wait for any reason and that we took off and landed without a hitch. My prayers were answered, 74 mins later I was pulled out from under the flesh that had consumed me in 18E. The next flight was less constricted and I got a window seat and had a recovery nap because I still had to drive from LAX to Palm Springs. That sort of excessive, uninhibited drinking is not a good idea when one has to fly on two planes across the country unless one is in first class. Lessons lived. Lessons learned the hard headache way.

Now seated on a Delta flight bound for Tampa I can honestly say this is the highest I have ever been while making a blog entry. In Tampa I will be performing at a club called “G Lounge” but the real excitement for me will be seeing my cousin Joe for the first time in about 12 years. Our family had a ridiculous argument that resulted in a division on my mom’s side that left some of the cousins at a loose end. The kid has grown up and is one of the most well adjusted 25-year-olds that I have ever seen. He reminds me of myself at that age! Well, give or take a few minor details…

It amazes me that after all the hype about “Homeland Security” and all the airport dramas with restrictions on shampoo and mouthwash that people still carry on as if they’ve never flown before; much less switched on the news this century. I mean how do people expect to walk up to a METAL DETECTOR with about a pound of metal distributed on them from head to toe in the name of fashion? I heard the attendant exclaim twice in a very slow, condescending tone “You are walking through a metal detector that detects metal, please remove all metal objects.”

When it came to my turn I had my lap top removed and placed in its own basket - just like the numerous signs indicated it should be. I had removed my shoes, even though they were flip flops (what else?). There was no metal on me anywhere and all I had in my hands was my boarding pass. The woman in front of me had missed the signs and apparently the last two years. She shuffled up to the detector clad in armor; a belt that wrapped around her waist four times, and several bracelets on each of her wrists. She had not removed her shoes or the shoes of her offspring that was drooling onto the floor. I knew exactly what was going to happen as if I were watching a TV show that I had seen a thousand times again.

She was asked to remove her gladiator issued belt, her shoes, accessories and the slobbering child from her person and put them all through the X ray. He asked her to put he child through just for fun and in the hopes to disarm the disgruntled people that were standing behind her barefoot waiting for her to comply with TSA regulations. She was not amused although I sure as hell was. She, of course, did not have her boarding pass with her as she went through the detector and had to flag down her equally unaware husband who had her pass in his back pocket. It would be so great if people could get it together just enough to stop impeding my every move.

On my way to the terminal I came across a man with those wireless Bluetooth headphones that double as a phone. He was talking to somebody jokingly in the middle of the walkway, pacing back and forth, laughing and smiling. He was dressed rather outlandishly with sunglasses on and he looked like he was a shizophrenic comedian. I sat down behind him on a bench and had my morning coffee watching all the people walking past him with confused and sometimes alarmed looks on their faces. I don’t know why they looked that confused or concerned, this was after all LA.

Hopefully this gig in Florida will be fun. At least I know I’ll have a great time catching up with my cousin. I’m a bit fed up with traveling for now and look forward to getting back home again. This time for more than a few days.