Hazzard Ahead

Wednesday, August 13th 2008

No, Really, I Mean It - No Shit

Posted by Johnny

Half Evil

For a very long time that doesn’t really need to be defined here, I have been talking about making custom shirts to sell. And then there would be no mention for a while, and it would crop up again until finally I was forbidden from mentioning anything about it until I was ready to back up my statement with the goods.

That time has come.

After many trials and tribulations there is a batch of custom Hazzardized shirts available for purchase in the Johnny Hazzard Shop. Most of the shirts were individually customized by yours truly in the relative serenity of my stylishly appointed sitting room. And they can be further treated in a similar fashion if you so desire. Each shirt features a lovely Johnny Hazzard label I had made some time back so you get the full effect with any shirt you chose.

Due to the extremely unpredictable nature of Hazzardization no two shirts are alike and when this batch is gone I will make another similarly distinctive one to take its place. There will be no monotony on my watch!

There is a page on the shop dedicated to the items currently available that will reflect changes in the near future. You may access it directly by clicking here.

Thank you and good afternoon.

Friday, July 25th 2008

Philadelphia (Not The Movie)

Posted by Johnny

Earlier this month I had the opportunity to visit Philadelphia for their 14th Gay and Lesbian Film Festival courtesy of our friends at TLA.

The C1R Triple Threat

The C1R Triple Threat

In addition to some quality time with the Boss Lady and Blake Riley I got to hang with some Channel 1 VIPs that we do not get to see very often. There were many highlights during the weekend in the city of Brotherly Love, but there were three in particular that I would love to share with you.

Stoia

Stoia

First, a while back I was sent an e mail from a young girl titled “Ode to Johnny.” Her name is Stoia, she works for Digital Playground and she’s gorgeous. It was most complimentary and flattering. Well lo and behold she is from Philly and TLA took this opportunity not to only have us meet but create a mini movie to document the entire ordeal from her writing the ode to our long awaited meeting. The movie was shot in black and white with a fifties motif. In the final scene we sharing a milkshake in front of a vintage soda shop; it was the best milkshake EVER!

Top Dogs

Blake and me off the grid.

Rob

C1R Mastermind
Rob Novinger

Saturday evening we had the chance to schmooze and booze at a club called Pure. This was the chance for us all to hang out and be ourselves with no cameras, pens or other obligatory what have you. We were Free to Be. Early in the evening Chi Chi was scheduled to speak at an event that coincided with the Film Festival, but was geared more to, well, porn. As the limo pulled up to the theatre the first voice I heard was that of our lovely Hazzard Ahead contributor and my biggest fan on the East coast, RitaPHL! She was bright-eyed and looking very sharp with her new do! She later informed me that it had been two years to the day since we met in Bean Town when she and her husband Jim were on holiday being served by yours truly at Aquitaine. It was wonderful to see her.

Smut

Our editor at Channel 1 created a video montage of Chi Chi, Blake and me that was played before she went on and it was sooooo amazing. I asked them for a copy and I’m hoping to have it soon to feature here - I promise! After Chi Chi’s talk we opened the floor up to Q&A. My number one fan raised her hand and asked if I could sign her B-Rude original T shirt. It features my mug and pecs splattered on the front with “Blow my Speakers” as the caption. I gladly signed the shirt and was amazed that she was able to snag one. After Rita walked away Chi Chi turned green with envy that Rita was able to get her hands on one. At the end we were passing out our latest picture book “Smut” and I made sure my girl got one! Enjoy it Rita! And thank you so much for all the effort you went through to get there!

B-Rude

Rita’s new signed B-Rude shirt.

Before our night out I managed to bug everyone with my digital video camera. Since there is some mild nudity and some appearances by folks that would rather not be featured I am including just a small piece here. The full version will be on Hazzard Central in a few days time. Enjoy!

This text will be replaced

Give it a minute. Then Full Screen It Baby!

I love traveling to the East Coast (especially on someone else’s dime) thanks Eric and thanks Philly!.

Wednesday, May 21st 2008

Deeper Into You (Remix) Now Available

Posted by Johnny
Solar City Remix

Today the Solar City Remix of Deeper Into You was made available to the world on iTunes. Recently Boy Wonder wrapped up the re-edit of the video for the original version, but hasn’t yet taken the time to do anything with it. *hint* Members of Hazzard Central will be the first to get a peek and then Hazzard Ahead readers will get a chance a week or so later. Don’t get too excited - this version isn’t all that different from the original we featured here nearly TWO YEARS AGO. Ahem.

At some point we plan to make another video for the remix. Based on our past performance I hesitate to make an estimations or promises on that project. Just know that we have thought about it and might even act on those thoughts at some point. In the meantime, have another look at this video we shot when Chi Chi played this remix at the 2007 White Party in Palm Springs.

Wednesday, May 7th 2008

Pets Are Better Than Humans

Posted by Johnny

This story has been on the back burner for ages. Sometimes it’s better to talk about something after the fact. I’ve whittled this down considerably and yet it is still reeeeally long so I’ve decided to pepper it with photos!

America's Next Top Dog

That’s right. This is all about Petey.

When I first got him it was clear that he suffered from a severe case of separation anxiety. He would tear up the rug in front of the door and began to rip the metal frame from around the front door in an effort to get out whenever I was away from home. I bought a wire cage from Petsmart only to have him chew, yes chew through it squeezing himself through an opening that I am shocked did not cause a bloody mess and a trip to the ER. I talked to the instructor for Petey’s first segment of obedience class about my dilemma and she told me of a woman who encountering the same problem had designed, with the help of a welder, a wrought iron cage that was meant for the transport of large exotic animals, more specifically, a tiger! Obviously the cage was going to be made smaller and the idea was comical and I was hopeful. My hopes were short lived however and smashed to a million pieces when I came home to find Petey soaked in urine and slobber. The final event that led Petey back to the truck was the “Post-Its” on my door from neighbors asking me to quiet my dog. I was literally at my last rope now so in the meantime while I figured out what the next step was in calming this panic I had to take Petey with me everywhere in my truck.

By the fountain near my place in WeHo

Amazingly he had absolutely no trouble hanging out in the truck; he knew I was coming back and he would lay down on his pillows quiet and relaxed patiently waiting for daddy to return. It was very problematic during August and September as the temperature would reach into the 100s. Not only was it a issue for my little boy’s health, but it is illegal to leave a dog in the car in CA. I would crank up the AC and only be gone for minutes at a time. I would enlist the help of friends to watch him when I had to run errands that would take more than a couple of minutes; this was now a full time job.

I enjoyed his company though and when I would see his little ears blowing in the wind from my rear view mirror I would just smile and be happy that he was in my life. I would leave the little window of the cab half open when I would go shopping or to the gym and it was set to a spot that even I had a hard time getting past. I had done this so many times and was without worry or fear that he would get out and besides, he was not anxious at all about hanging out in the truck.

Steady boy! This is only a play date.

One night I had attended a class on the Science of Happiness and of course brought Petey along. When I pulled in on the far side of the lot I noticed a man and a woman of the tweeked out variety in close proximity. I made a comment to Petey that may have been a bit judgmental, but I thought since it was just the two of us that no harm would be done. I pulled in to my spot and went inside at 7:10 PM. I know this because I glanced at the clock when I turned the truck off. At 9 PM the class ended and I went outside to the truck ready to be greeted by my beloved companion. I approached and noticed that the window appeared to be opened all the way. Panic set in and I ran to the truck. I unlocked the door the truck illuminated to show an empty cab. I wanted to throw up. I immediately imagined him by the side of the road then switched to a vision of him lost in the foothills of the mountains that looked over us from the West. Even as I write this and relive it, I feel that panic rising from my gut and the chill running down my arms to my fingertips; it was to date the worst experience I can recall. I started to run calling his name as loud as I could. I had no idea where I was running to, but standing still would only serve to exacerbate the panic and fear that seemed to engulf my body. I had only gone about 50 ft around the building when I made a quick left to see my beloved four legged friend hanging out calm as cash with the two crackheads that I silently insulted 2 hours prior.

They had Petey leashed with some rustic rubber tubing that was crudely tied to his collar like some junkyard dog. The female was grossly thin and clutching a “Big Gulp.” Her male companion was silent and wearing sunglasses. She began to explain that she found my dog and that he looked really lost and scared so she grabbed him and gave him chicken. The three of them were hanging out by the pay phone around the building, a football’s throw from my truck. I looked at her gaunt, skeletal face as she explained again that they had found the dog and that he was scared, they gave him chicken and called the number listed on his tags. I thanked them over and over and she said her victory speech over and over until I coughed up a couple of twenties.

They're like twins!

The second I was alone with Petey I began to cry, hard, really hard. And I was ashamed of myself for my remark earlier about the street kids. That all changed very soon. Once I discovered the 10 voicemails left during my two hour absence it was clear that Petey had been taken and more or less held for ransom. He did not push that window open, they opened it. What fucking balls! You have to be really cracked out and desperate to stick your hand in a truck with the face of a pit bull staring back at you. They coaxed him out with the cheap chicken they got from the KFC behind the building and took him right to the phone where they began to make their rescue calls. It was definitely a moment to remember and now when Petey goes with me the window is locked.

Relaxing on my stairwell/patio.

With that scary episode behind me and a very different life in front of me there has been much improvement with Petey. Thanks to a little intense training and some tough love he can now stay at home by himself (for short spells anyway). There are still days that push me to my limits, but I think he’s definitely worth a little wear and tear on my nerves. Who knows what would have become of him if I hadn’t come along? I know I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today without the collaborative support of many, many individuals and they didn’t give up on me when I chewed on their $260 custom sandals! Well, you get the idea.

Saturday, May 3rd 2008

Fuckin’ Hooters

Posted by Johnny

My recent trip to Las Vegas to help celebrate their pride event was surprisingly enjoyable thanks to the antics and companionship of Trevor Knight and Tommy Blade.

Don't Write On Me!

An abstract Tommy

Are We Done Yet?

An even more abstract Trevor Knight

We're Drawn This Way

Porn Star Cubed

Over My Dead And Rotting Corpse!

Tommy was lucky enough to have patrons write on him with markers all night

Get a load of the fantastic acrobat action at the end of this video.