Tuesday, March 21st 2006
The First Time I Slept With Johnny Hazzard
Back in the old days when Johnny didn’t know that many people in L.A. he would stay at my crap-hole apartment during his visits here. He would camp out on my couch, fold his laundry in the nude, catch up on BBC sitcoms and generally make himself at home. Johnny didn’t stay with me in my room because I informed him that anyone in my bed was free game as far as my subconscious mind went and our relationship has never been the kind that involved waking up in a fetal embrace. Plus my bed is so old that the weight of two people makes it sag and you end up mashed together all night. Great for newly weds, not so ideal for bosom buddies.
These days Johnny has many options for accommodation and all of them are twice as good as my place in the best of times. Yesterday we met up at his boutique hotel for an overdue meeting. OK, it was a small meeting and a big dinner accompanied by Ab Fab - we’re really, really gay, alright? When it came time to crash, Johnny announced that I had to take the side of the bed with the alarm clock because he didn’t want to deal with my early rising. Until that moment I hadn’t really thought too much about sleeping arrangements. Could I be trusted not to wrangle him into a compromising position, nibble on his ears and leave him in a puddle of tepid drool? Only time would tell.
My mind was already racing with ideas from our lively discussion earlier. Worrying about sleep molesting my little brother sex symbol client that’s more like a plush toy than a porn star to me did little to help my ability to rest. As predicted, I tossed and turned all night; waking up at random intervals to ensure I was still nestled on the precipice of my side of the enormous bed. Seriously, that bed was so big I could have had a luau on my side and he never would have been the wiser. At seven sharp the alarm clock sounded with such fury I was tempted to check for a defibrillator. I gathered my crap and made my way to the office. By the time I arrived, Johnny was already awake and answering e-mail. He wrote and said, “Thanks for last night, u r so quiet, I thought you were still here, i’ll see you soon.”
The moral of the story: Don’t worry, it will work out.
